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Rachel Held Evans Memorial Eerily Resembled Hell Itself

News Division

Nadia Bolz-Weber officiated the blasphemous service.

Shortly before passing into eternal perdition, standing over her failing body was one who looked like the Angel of Death. The towering shadow of a manish, gender-bending female preacher who has referred to herself as a “bull-dyke,” sacrilegiously anointed her with oil. And shortly after, Rachel Held Evans was cast into the outer darkness.

This scene was a nightmare of Evans’ creation. She had intentionally surrounded herself with those who hate God and willfully rebelled against his revelation. Evans chose her path in both life and eternity, and both were paths away from God.

The memorial for Evans held over the weekend couldn’t be better characterized than it was by gay evangelical journalist, Jonathan Merritt.

Describing what best seems like a Mos Eisley’s cantina, but located in Dante’s Seventh Circle of Hell, Merritt mentions those who will not inherit the Kingdom of Heaven, according to 1st Corinthians 6. Sadly, he lumps in sodomites and mutilators of the flesh with people of diverse ethnicities and abilities (who are treasured in the sight of God).

Of course, God is not all-inclusive. God is exclusive. Salvation is exclusive. The doctrine is called the Exclusivity of Christ. God does exclude people, and he excludes heretics like Rachel Held Evans and he excludes those who don’t show signs of penitent faith (like homosexuals who continue in their sin).

A gay couple comforts themselves in the pew.

From when Evans lay in her death bed with Nadia Bolz-Weber standing over her like the Grim Reaper to her memorial service, from start to finish, her departure from this world with all its pomp and circumstance resembled more a Santa Muerte death-cult ceremony than the departure of a Christian Saint.

Serving communion at Evans’ memorial service included a whole flock of heretics, and like on the wings of demons, she was ceremoniously swept into the furnace of hell.

The communion servers included the aforementioned Nadia Bolz-Weber, the tattoo-covered Wookie of a woman who melted down purity rings and formed them into a vagina statute to gift to abortion-advocate, Gloria Steinem.

Also included was Matthew Vines, the “gay Christian” advocate who authored, “God and the Gay Christian.”

Following the masculine Bolz-Weber and the effeminate Vines, was a whole flock of heretical denizens on the island of theological misfits. These included Brian Lee Cole, Kaitlin Curtice, Wil Gafney, Mihee Kim-Kort, Winnie Vargese, and Brian Ward.

Whatever kind of religion was on display at Evans’ memorial service, it was not Christianity. But, it was exactly the kind of service that Evans’ would have wanted.