It’s Valentine’s Day. I know it stinks to be alone, if you happen to be one of the unfortunate ones who have yet to find the love of your life. The Evangelical Intelligentsia seems to be intent on keeping young people unmarried, occasionally even trotting out celibate homosexuals to lecture us on the virtue of singleness.
Forget that nonsense.
Singleness stinks because singleness stinks. While it may be nice to not have to fight for the comforter on a cold night or to leave the toilet seat up (or down), the feeling you get when your singleness strikes you as sad – like on Valentine’s Day – is a feeling given you by God, who said it’s not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18).
That God-given desire to have a life partner isn’t something to mope about but is designed to get your butt up off the couch, put down the Bourbon and Cornflake Crusted Pecan Double Chucky Monkey ice cream, put on your slacks, and go find a spouse. That feeling is given you for motivation.
Outside of a select few who are designated by God for martyrdom (as was Paul, who told persecuted Christians they might prefer singleness if they could keep their whither-regions in check – 1 Corinthians 7:9) or widows who are so old that finding a new spouse is unlikely (they’re called “widows indeed” in 1 Timothy 5:13-16), God’s purpose for your life is that you marry and – if God should allow – have kids (Psalm 127:3-5, Proverbs 17:6).
Here’s some Valentine’s Day motivation for you single folks out there. There are a few basic impediments to finding that lifelong relationship that you need to overcome:
1. Quit wasting time. Culture says you need to have a college degree, a house, and a career before you find a spouse. The Bible says to “rejoice in the wife of your youth” (Proverbs 5:18) and to…are you paying attention, men?…”let her breasts satisfy you at all times.” Take that literally. It’s not a metaphor.
A man’s sexual peak is between the age of 15 and 25. A woman’s sexual peak is between the age of 35 and 45. Understand God’s genius in this. A man jumps out of the shoot ready to go because sex is the number one motivation for a man to get married. Without that desire, young men may be more inclined to go fishing or toy around on his car. Women, on the other hand, have a sexual peak toward the end of their reproductive life cycle as though God is telling her to get it while the getting is good.
And ladies, if you’re giving it away for free, you’re throwing away your future husband’s number one motivation to put a ring on your finger. Pre-marital sex is the best and surest way to remain single the rest of your life.
In God’s genius, he planned for the sexual desire of men and women to be at different stages of life because if not, we would get nothing done. Things chill sexually when spouses need to be focused on building and parenting between the age of 25 and 35, the most pivotal stage of life when being productive is paramount.
If you wait to have a degree, career, and house before you wed you’re missing out on the most “fruitful” time of your sexual experience (if you’re a man).
The point is, you’re burning daylight, people. Don’t miss out on your sexual prime, men, because you’re sowing wild oats. Sow “domestic oats” at home and look back at that beautiful woman you’ve had since you were in your youth.
2. Stop looking at porn. Seriously. I’m sure the endless buffet of cyber-babes have all the things you’re looking for in a woman…except one thing. They’re not real. You can see, but you can’t touch. Life should not be one big peep-hole, you pervert.
Satisfying your needs by your own hand cannot compare to a woman satisfying your needs with body parts better made for it. Seriously, it’s a poor substitute.
Most young men in our culture are busy masturbating when there is a world of lonely eligible women who want someone to love and care for them and are more than happy to reciprocate in holy matrimony.
One cultural phenomenon in the nation of Japan, for example, is that young women aged 15-25 cannot find suitors their age and so it’s become culturally acceptable for them to date men in their 40s, 50s, and even 60s. Gross, I know. But the reason for this is because Japanese young men are so addicted to pornography that they show no interest in real women. Should a young man put down the Playboy long enough, he could have his pick of any number of lonely young women. But instead, pornography wins their hearts and affections.
Do you remember when teenage boys were out chasing girls? That practice is largely dying even here in the West, because they are ‘taking care of business’ in fantasy-land rather than pursuing a real relationship with a real human being.
3. Stop comparing real people to Instagram models. If the majority of the people you look at have been put through the Instagram pimple-remover filter, it’s understandable that nobody seems “good enough” to be with yours-truly. In an age in which everybody filters out their wrinkles, blemishes, and unfortunate muffin-tops, all the pretty people online seem like better-looking avatars compared to their real-life counterparts.
Having an unrealistic expectation of what your future spouse is supposed to look like is only acerbated by so-called “Instagram culture.” Some people have crooked teeth, an extra-ten pounds, or a disproportionate bust.
Aaaand you have morning breath and your bowel movements stink. Nobody is perfect. Get your head out of Instagram and realize that real life doesn’t have photoshop filters. You’ll grow to love and appreciate the imperfections in your significant other if you stop gazing at all the pretty people who don’t actually exist in real life.
2. Stop waiting for God to land a woman or man on your doorstep. Get out there! Consider how people found a spouse in the Bible. Abraham sent servants all the way to Mesopotamia to find a wife for Isaac (Genesis 24). Isaac. Then, Jacob went across the continent to find a wife (Genesis 28). Proverbs 18:24 says, “He who find a wife finds a good thing,” implying that sometimes it takes searching.
So, get off the couch. “Netflix and chill’ is always better with somebody else, so maybe you should stop the Homeland marathon for a moment and find opportunities to get you out and about to meet people.
Here, I want to give some pastoral advice that’s exceedingly practical. There is nothing wrong – and I mean NOTHING WRONG – with finding a wife or husband on so-called ‘dating sites.’ While you shouldn’t use hook-up sites to find a fling (it’s a good way to find somebody’s else’s spouse and, like a dive bar, is probably not a good way to pick up a quality person) like Tinder, there are many appropriate online places to find quality people who, like you, are looking for a spouse. One of the good thing about these opportunities is that they typically attract people that are desiring a more serious relationship.
However, you choose to do it, step onto the dance floor, Napoleon. Don’t be bashful. Put yourself out there because, despite the wonder of Amazon’s home delivery service, they will not ship a spouse directly to your front step in 24 hours.
1. Don’t play around. Recreational dating is basically glorified divorce practice. You can hang out with friends of either gender and have fun and good company with your homeboys or homegirls. But if you’re considering someone as a spouse, cook or get out of the kitchen.
Ask yourself:
Can I stand to look at this person’s face the next 50 years?
Is this person godly? Do they know Jesus like I know Jesus?
Do we share the same values?
Do they want to have children?
If they’re a man, are they willing and able to provide for me? Will they die to protect me? Would they be a good dad?
If they’re a woman, are they willing to submit to my leadership and follow me? Would they be a good mom?
If they’re eligible in these various ways and they fit the bill, stop dating them so long that you’ll find some annoyance about them (which will ALWAYS happen) that will have you off chasing another person in short order. Marry the person or break up with the person. Don’t be in limbo until the end of time.
With all of that said, please rest assured that the Bible provides for us great advice for the happiest level of human flourishing. God wants you to get married, have good company, have a best friend and lover, have lots of ‘marital relations’ and make babies. It’s a good thing.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, I pray that you find Jesus sufficient for your needs. However, I also pray that God will bring you the person you’ve been waiting for (or bring you to them) in order to fulfill your calling as a procreative and happily partnered member of the human species.
