The Pen

Jim Bakker and John Shorey Give Prophecies from Random Guy They Know

John Shorey, an “End Times specialist,” gave a number of prophecies from his friend, Byron. No one knows who Byron is. But he’s a prophet. John Shorey says so. You don’t need a last name. So…listen up, people. This is important.

1. The sounds of the killing in Las Vegas will be familiar to all in this nation. Jim Bakker pointed out that the killings in New York happened after that prophecy was given (which is weird, because the New York killings weren’t anything like the Las Vegas killing).

2. Strange armies will come upon the land and ravage everything. Jim Bakker iterated that it’s not good to be alone at a time like that (hint hint: all you scared senior citizens need to move to Bakker’s Branson compound). The two then went on to discuss the “hordes of hell” (from Rick Joyner’s book) will come upon the earth and that’s the time frame we’re in “right now!”

3. No one will listen to my prophets, and those who criticize my prophets will not be saved. The two then talked more about increasing earthquakes. Jim Shorey says that Jim Bakker’s audience will double after the catastrophes happen (so, like, there will be 40 people in the audience).

4. Anyone who has an optimistic prophecy has a lying spirit. This is a part of God’s judgment against the church for not listening to the doomsday prophets.

5. War is coming. Armies will come from North and East. Big cities will be destroyed and God’s remnant will flee to “safe zones” (read that as Jim Bakker’s compound). This prophecy seems a bit repetitive of #2 above.

6. God’s prophets “only know in part,” but if someone says we’ll have good times, they are a false prophet. Again, this seems a tad redundant, because it was already covered in the 3rd prophecy. Therefore, be prepared (read that as buy Jim Bakker’s survivor food bucket slop).

You can see the video below.


By the way, and we’re going to mention this every opportunity we have, the applause sound that you hear is a sound effect. There are about a dozen senior citizens in the audience. If you listen closely, you can hear two sets of applause – a meager clapping of a few octogenarians and the much fuller applause of a digital audience recorded in a sound studio. These men are basically talking to themselves and a dozen or so retirees, doing a survival supplies infomercial in the name of Jesus. The best part (for them) is that they don’t have to charge their customers tax or pay tax on their profits because the supplies are given in exchange for a “love gift,” thereby evading taxes. Shady financial dealings hidden under the guise of charitable tax status is what got Jim Bakker thrown in prison in the first place.

This video was shared by Charisma Mag, who apparently thinks that Jim Bakker is on the up and up. They’re also apparently the new media home of fellow charismatic and as equally disgraced pastor, Mark Driscoll. Here’s a link to Charisma Mag’s live Facebook hangout with Driscoll yesterday. Oh, and just for giggles, Driscoll and his wife (is she a co-pastor, now?) were talking about the importance of ecumenism.

Now, just in case you’re wondering whether or not John Shorey is a false prophet, the man gave twelve reasons why the Tribulation would start in 2016. We’ve uploaded the PDF here. Feel free to read it, but we’ll save you the time. He was wrong on every point.

[Editor’s Note: Byron, which Bakker and Shorey refer to, is Byron Searle, who is prophesying earthquakes on the West Coast. Thanks for the tip. You can read about that crazy guy here. In the mean time, I have a hot tip that there will be earthquakes in western California, droughts in the Serengeti and rain in Seattle]