Thom Rainer, President of Lifeway ‘Christian’ Resources, believes so much in the principle of Biblical mentorship that he has offered to indiscriminately mentor people for the low low price of only $249.47 per month. To be fair, that price is for the Platinum Mentorship Program, in which you’ll actually be entitled to having a video conference call with Rainer (not one-on-one, obviously). But if you would settle for being put on his email list (there’s a disclaimer that he doesn’t guarantee he’ll respond to an email), you can enroll in the Premium Package for only 49.97 per month.
Ed Stetzer, former executive at Lifeway and now fill-in at Moody Bible Church and professor at Wheaton College, has also entered the pay-to-be-mentored fray. The “Stetzer Coaching Class” is offering enrollment for $19.97 in exchange for four videos a month from Stetzer, teaching pastors how to do pastoral ministry. That Stetzer’s own church plants haven’t exactly been successful notwithstanding, it’s a great price for the pastor who desires more mentorship, but doesn’t want the bother of actually interacting with their mentor (you don’t get to call or email Stetzer, but you do get to join a Facebook group he’s created). You will also receive a 10% discount on his church growth book, Breaking the 200 Barrier.
Rainer and Stetzer are two career executives in the Evangelical Industrial Complex, who along with Eric Geiger (the VP of Lifeway), focus intensely on leadership development and – for a price – will provide you all the tools you need to succeed. Called “coaching” or “mentoring,” these men leverage their ‘success’ as executives to project themselves as expert advice-givers to pastors, and pastors seem altogether interested in receiving advice on pastoring from…non-pastors. The growing veneration of life-coaching in evangelicalism might best be demonstrated in a post at the Social Gospel Coalition, venerating foul-mouthed inspirational speaker and life coach, Tony Robbins. Asking Christians to learn from non-Christian, Tony Robbins, on behalf of TSGC was Mike Cosper, who is an associate of Stetzer, who recently endorsed his latest book.
The close-knit group of Evangelical Intelligentsia are here to help us, and for a low monthly fee, they can provide that genuine care and discipleship we need to self-actualize our Gospel™ potential.
This brings up the interesting question as to how our mentors will be mentored. Mentorship, discipleship, and career coaching are so valuable that an actual dollar value can be affixed, and so surely men like Rainer, Stetzer, Geiger and the like need mentoring, discipleship and career coaching as well. Right?
Pulpit & Pen is now offering a new mentorship program for current and former Lifeway executives, as well as a few limited spots open for CEOs of other prominent Christian corporations and parachurch ministries.
Our mentorship program is three-tiered. Rainer, Stetzer, Geiger and others can be mentored exclusively by Pulpit & Pen in the Premium, Premium Plus, or Platinum package.
In the Premium Package, Lifeway and other executives will receive four podcasts per month exclusively tailored to their needs, explaining how they can stop selling heresy in the name of shameless profit motivation. For only $49.97 per month, they will be included on an email list, in which we give the titles of all the heresy sold by them personally in their retail outlets, from anti-Trinitarians like TD Jakes to Heaven Tourism, from books claiming Direct Divine Revelation to Omen Interpretation like Four Blood Moons, from Catholic Mysticism to New Age Superstition like The Circle Maker, from prosperity gospel to antinomianism, from Montanism to judaizing code-unlockers and mystery-unveilers, Jonathon Chan.
In the Premium-Plus Package, Rainer, Stetzer, Geiger and other executives will actually be able to join the Pulpit Bunker on Facebook, our closed group dedicated to the study of polemics. We will teach them here how to not whore out the church to results-driven pragmatism. We will teach them things like Pneumatology (the study of the Holy Spirit) and how to rely upon the Third Person of Trinity to garner results through the means of Scripture. For only $99.97 per month, we will teach them about doctrines like Sola Fide and the Sufficiency of Scripture, and why they don’t need self-helpism, motivational gurus, surveys and psychological manipulation to gain volunteers and converts.
The Platinum Package is where it will really get exciting for Lifeway and other executives. For the low price of $249.97 per month, they will be able to text us questions directly to our cellular phones. And while we can’t promise that we’ll return that text, they will be able to brag that they have a direct line to the polemicists at Pulpit & Pen. On top of this great perk, they will also receive a 10% discount on property insurance from a leading national provider, in the event that our mentorship does not go as planned, and Jesus Christ returns to flip over their tables in their high-rise offices.
For those who cannot afford our mentorship, please don’t worry. Local pastors are actually instructed to do the work of ministry, using the Scripture, which is sufficient for reproof, correction and training in godliness (2Timothy 3:16) to mentor their people, and discipleship (mentorship, if you like) is actually the job of the local church and not CEOs with a lust for filthy lucre.