A bird pooped on my head as I was coming home today (through an open pickup window, no less). I thought, “how would people of different religious faiths think of such a thing?”
Calvinist – that was an act of God’s providence, and so was according to his will. Thank you God; may I have another?
Arminian – Don’t blame the bird. You chose for that to happen.
Lutheran – I’m pretty sure that counts as a baptism.
Agnostic – That may or may not have happened. I can’t prove it.
Charismatic – The powers and principalities of darkness in high places have possessed that bird with the demon of rebellion.
Seventh Day Adventist – That’s what you get for worshipping on Sunday.
Messianic Jew – Great, now I can’t go to worship tonight because I’m ceremoniously unclean.
Jehovah’s Witness – That didn’t physically happen; it was a spiritual metaphor.
Atheist – I do not believe that just happened.
United Methodist – “Open Minds. Open Hearts. Close the Window.”
Fundamentalist – Now you know what it means “for the wrath of God has been revealed from Heaven.”
Post-Modernist: The question really is, “What does the bird poop MEAN TO YOU?”
Fatalist: “Poop happens.”
Nihilist: Who cares?