After thinking long and hard about our actions over the past few years, we here at the Pulpit & Pen would like to apologize to our readership and the subjects of our many articles and podcasts. In reflecting on all the digital ink we’ve spilled in our zeal to expose unfruitful deeds of darkness and edify the body of Christ, we realize that we’ve erred in several ways.
- We’ve never once asked any of the subjects of our criticisms out for a cup of coffee st Starbucks in keeping with the church discipline requirements of Matthew 18. Rather, we’ve only practiced Matthew 18 with the members of our own local bodies. We should have went to great lengths and expense to make sure we did not publicly criticize others for their very public and clear comments before we first sought them out privately and sought to understand their heart. For example, every time we didn’t fly to Seattle to make an appointment for coffee with Mark Driscoll before criticizing him, we were in the wrong.
- We have been too focused on honoring God in musical worship. Hillsong makes catchy music that sometimes mentions Jesus and yet we’ve harshly criticized them. We should have praised them for their pseudo-spiritual pop music that, no doubt, has entertained millions of lost people who think they are saved. When we think of the millions of dollars Hillsong music has made for servants of God like Brian and Bobbie Houston, it makes our hearts glad. Preachers of the prosperity gospel surely deserve such a windfall for telling other people the secret for using the Bible to get financial blessings. In our green-eyed jealousy of their success, we have done wrong.
- We’ve written hundreds of articles in which we’ve consistently quoted from the same formally equivalent Bible translations. This has been confusing to our readers and we apologize. Rick Warren just picks whatever scripture translations makes the point he is trying to make. That’s such a simple and effective mode of communication but we, in our pride, said it was bad and chastised Warren for it. We should have flown to Saddleback church, even though it’s really far from our homes, and ask Rick Warren to teach us how to be more effective communicators who do not get so caught up in what the Bible actually means.
- We live in a western society which is becoming ever more hostile to the Christian Worldview. Like Russell Moore, we should have softened our tone on controversial social issues such as homosexuality. The church needs the world to like it if it wants a seat at the table. We’ve been so unlikable. We’re sorry we ever criticized Russell Moore for being liberal. Conservatism is not a culturally viable worldview. We’re sorry we’ve encouraged people to be conservative.
- We’d like to apologize to Ronnie Floyd. He’s baptized hundreds of toddlers in his fire truck and we haven’t baptized a single one. We should have congratulated him for fulfilling the great commission. Further, we’re sorry that we didn’t catch on to the NAR 7-Mountains trend sooner. If only we would have prayed for dominion and revival sooner, God could have made America great again already.
- It was short-sighted to speak out against people like Ron Burns about their racial reconciliation initiatives. It was short-sighted of us to think that the gospel could cut through the racial divide. We should have recognized that racial differences are insurmountable and sought to make sure more diverse people rose to leadership in our denomination. We need to spread the wealth, affirm white privilege, and demand restitution.
- Perry Noble and Steven Furtick are, quite frankly, the coolest dudes ever. We want to be them and have what they have. We’re just jealous of all God is doing through their visions. We’ve been so wrong. We took too much pride in being studied in the Scriptures and wanting to preach the word in season and out. We should have been tickling more ears, playing more AC/DC, and working out more. We’ve been going about Christianity all wrong. Numbers don’t lie.
- We are cheaters. We have advocated expository preaching. Andy Stanely is right, that’s cheating and it’s not how you grow people. We haven’t grown anybody. We’ve been completely unhelpful. Our strict attitude has turned too many lost people away from coming to church and listening to Cold Play and life-coaching. We’ve just been wrong-headed.
- Louisiana College and Brewton-Parker College are fine institutions. It doesn’t matter that they hired terrible men to be their high-paid presidents. It doesn’t matter that they had accreditation troubles. Baptist Trustees are always right and we should have never ceased to trust the trustees. Failing to trust the trustees is pretty much failing to trust God. We’re sorry.
- Karen Swallow prior is the finest conservative Christian ethicist liberal New York universities and liberal baptist churches ever produced. Everything we’ve written about her is diametrically opposed to this truth. Dr. Prior is winsome. We are not. We should be more like her. We should focus more on helping animals, finding common ground with homosexuals, and taking money out of the pockets of hard-working farmers.
- We should be spending more time working with lost people for the common societal good. That we ever talked bad about Roman Catholics and Seventh Day Adventists is tragic. We should be setting aside the gospel to find more powerful solutions to our world’s sin problems.
- Beth Moore is the finest Bible teacher ever to walk the face of the earth, male or female. We have wrongly brought into question her direct, divine revelations from God. We tore her down because she is so pretty and has a better relationship with God than we do. After all, to question Beth Moore is to question God.
- We apologize to the tone police. We are guilty as charged. Throw the book at us.
- We apologize for not being anonymous trolls. By using our real names to say controversial things, we’ve made cowardly people who are too afraid to speak up feel bad about themselves. We are sorry for setting such an example.
[Contributed by: The Pulpit & Pen Team]
Also, April fools and Semper Reformanda.
